1 Peter 1

8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Still to this day I doubt I love God because of how much I disregard good character in favour of a cheap laugh or a self indulging view of women. More than a inexpressible joy for salvation, I feel shame, embarrassment and misery. This unconditional love for me is so illogical and scandalous so I reckon my mentality might be too hardcore Calvinistic. I also doubt opportunities that God gives me as something dangerous (going up to a newcomer, life group etc) when it could be periods to strengthen my character or bondage with fellow believers.