How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 7

Matthew 11: 28-30

My childhood is very bland so I guess you could say I was depressed before I knew what depressed was. I hated my father for what he did to me as I grew up so deprived and jealous of others. To this day I don't talk to any of my childhood friends as my father made sure I wouldn't go down the same path as they. He seemed to do everything he could to stop me from having friends or enjoying a simple show like Power Rangers and he used Jesus as an excuse. He turned a God of grace into a God of works, he stripped me of so much so I ran away to pursue the idols of films, belonging recreational drugs, the worst of them all were women. If I was a secular person and you asked my why I'm not joyful, I would downright reply it was all my fathers fault. Many things could've been prevented if he died of a stroke like I prayed he would have. But I know Jesus, I know I'm depraved and I know my failure to exalt God is totally and justly because of my willingness to rebel. It's my fault. I don't want to wait till I see Jesus face to face to move on. I don't want my past to form my identity. Acceptance and healing can start now. Unlike my father, unlike "Christians", unlike myself, God has never done me wrong. He is the greatest one to places worth it. I hope and pray that I can run to God with complete and utter repentance and thankfulness. Jesus is greater than my depravity, greater than my father, greater than my loss. There's no justified reason that I'm not joyful, and yet I'm still not. My victim mentality needs to stop, I need to stop thinking about me. King Jesus is the prize. I'm self conscious that I lacking the friends and social security I used to have but I hope eventually I'll be thankful the way God placed me in His kingdom. I really want to accept wholeheartedly God's placement of me, my purpose in his kingdom.

Let me run to you Lord and not myself for your undeserving and broken servant is tired. Glory to you and to you alone.

Prayer/reflection:

- stop letting my past hold me back

- love my father even though he seems to be the source of great suffering

- continue in the fight to put God as my greatest treasure

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 6

Psalm 51

Restore to me the joy of my salvation. I hope that I can be truly joyful of Jesus so my pursuit of others can be genuine rather than obligations. I reminded of David again when he writes his Psalms, he was intelligent enough to acknowledge his inner turmoil and weakness but acknowledging God as his King. I'm reminded that even the most noble of people can fall short, David and Bathsheba is a perfect example that no one follows God whole heartedly without fail. My idol is belonging and I'm no different. I reckon my suffering so far is the same as before, loneliness. What definitely has changed since earlier this year is that I find myself that much more determined to rely on God rather than the validation of others. I'm increasingly wanting to walk with God on my own two feet rather than someone having to hold my hand. Jesus, please cleanse me from within, align my ambition with your interests.

Prayer/response:

- Love God and to continue loving Him

- Lg leaders that they may persevere in knowing you individually and collectively

- Please keep Vicky in your eyes lord. Do not forsake her, break her if need be

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 5

Ephesians 4:26

God doesn't state that we should put aside anger since it's a quality that can moves us to make great changes, He does however command that we should handle it properly. I'm not the worst person I know regarding anger issues but I do have a history of being careless with it. It was quite costly to make up for. I think above anger, my biggest sin is bitterness. I may forgive but I'm not forgetful in the least and I'm working on it. Something that does drive me to evangelise is my frustration of the lack of action I see around me. I see many christians who just hang around their christian friends and their christian cliques laughing at their terrible christian humour going to their christian events being content with their comfortable christian lifestyle. While I believe evangelism is good (and certainly commanded in one form or another) I think my motivation can be crippling. There are people from last years mission team who I'm bitter towards rn because they haven't reached out to some of those weaker in the faith in Cheil. We read 3 books before leaving for Cape Town explicitly reminding us of the reality of hell so why is such little effort put in? I'm bitter. I should stop being bitter but my conscious states that it is justified. This is not helpful. God help me.

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 4

Psalm 5: 1-3

I like how David cries out to God not in a victimising mentality but rather acknowledging both his circumstances as well as his Lord. David wasn't just recognising that God is valuable above all but has the astounding faith that God would deliver him. If I'm to remember God's faithfulness to David despite the astounding odds that were agains't him, why can't He help me overcome mine? I have Christ with me so that's a bonus. Reckon I should make more attempts in have lengthy prayers in the morning rather than my standard 2 minute ones. I'm free from most stress in the mornings so yea, should probs start that lol.

Prayer/response:
- pray for 5-10 minutes in the morning
- Keep Cape Town persistently in my prayers as well as the team

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 3

Psalm 19:4 - May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

I reckon this is applicable to to a more personal Christianity that people won't see, my thoughts and emotions. My dumbass paranoia is always questioning others intentions or judging their character. Lustful thoughts linger randomly. Above all else I'm reminiscing on unhelpful things that seem to stunt my faith in not just God but in others. Something I'm tying to do is to instead of just blatantly trying to ignore it as if it doesn't exist (which never works) Imma attempt to reflect on Jesus and his accomplishments in my life. Since I know He is greater than my shortcomings I think it would make sense that this way of thinking would help out if done correctly. Just like how I must compromise/cut out my sinfulness, I must also stop lingering in the painful past. These sacrifices can be costly but absolutely necessary.

Galatians 2:20 - I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Prayer/response:
- Lord, you do whatever needs to be done to make me reliant on you
- Throw away my victimhood and accept my God given responsibility to glorify you and make Him known
- Those in Cape Town will know you more deeply as well as our Vision Team.
- Thank you that you're greater than my depravity

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 2

James 1:2-3

We're given all the more encouragement in suffering. Since becoming a Christian my outlook on suffering has changed. I'm much less blaming or questioning God "Why me, i don't deserve this" etc but much rather "how can I best glorify you in this situation." I guess a sin that holds be back greatly is what I vented on yesterday. 

Psalm 16:4
Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more. I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods or take up their names on my lips.

If I chose not to abandon those I loved and stayed in the sin of belonging, I would probably still be considered lost to God. It was costly, but I know it was the right thing to do. It's 1:50am, i'm struggling to stay awake but I'm hoping and praying that my packed schedule is training me for future occasions in which I struggle to read scripture. I guess this can be a clear cut example of diligence producing perseverance. 

Prayer/Response:
- Love God and make Him known
- Read my Bible earlier
- That Jasmine Park can keep a diligent relationship with you in Korea. Please continue making yourself known to her!

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger - Day One

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger - Day One

Aight....so I started this plan because I deadset missing the social intimacy and assurance I had before the cut off. I don't feel support from fellow Christians and Church can't help but seem as hard labour with no benefit. This is all a lie of course, people are praying for me regardless whether I believe it or not and Satan just loves to do my head in. This might be why I'm so vulnerable to lust for these past several days??? I don't want to be lingering on this anymore cause it's already been over a year. To those I left behind and pray for; Bonnie, Stephen. Solomon, Tahmid, Wendy, Winnie, Kevin, John, Suemin, Jenny, Samuel, Jeremy, Jackson, Roland, Leann, Irvin, Derek.. Please I beg that you would all see a New Jerusalem with me someday 

ANYWAYS

Romans 8: 17

Paul writes that convenience and relief is never promised but rather struggles, it is actually REQUIRED in the faith. However I can have reassurance in this knowing that my troubles have purpose behind them whether they're brought on by myself or out of my control. My hope and prayer is to die to myself like Paul did, stop my self pity, my victimhood mentality, stop my cravings of human approval or intimacy. Set my gaze only on Jesus so that when I do suffer I look for the right medicine.

Prayer/response:

- Be a good steward and study so I can go Cape Town next year

- Love my dad especially in times when I don't want to

- Pray persistently for Celine that she may continue in her pursuit of you

- Thank you for being patient with me Lord but I beg of you, please be more patient for my friends. Let them know you!

Romans 16

Romans 16

The greatest commandment in the Torah is Love, to love God and to love thy neighbour. When I think of the book of Romans I think about humility motivated through love. It's proven to me the without question that God demands cooperate worship for those of us privileged enough to participate. Romans 12 has always been hard hitting and uplifting, so many fruitful conversations have come out of it.

For this chapter in particular verse 17 - 19 has been as relevant as ever in this day and age. Every speaker or pastor no matter how appealing they seem before I take them into consideration is that I should test what they say against scripture. Even if what they say might make sense to my eyes I should remember that scripture is my highest authority and the ultimate truth. I hope and pray that not just individually but also collectively Cheil can stand up for truthful doctrine and practices.

Prayer/response:
- fall in love with one another through Christ rather than connections or convinience
-  bury my face in scripture
- complete devotionals in the morning rather than throughout the day
- spend 5min a day just thanking King Jesus before requesting things from Him
--thankyou for saving Kevin Wang. May he grow abundantly in you and be a reflection of you to his sister and family

Romans 15

Romans 15

The Roman Church was filled with rich, poor, Jews and Gentiles so there was bound to be be many differences between them. Since it's in our self glorifying nature to cater towards what makes us comfortable or secure, wouldn't it glorify God all the more if we align our interest along His? One of the strongest takeaway lessons from Liam's lectures from Cape Town was that God's original intention for our wellbeing is to have perfect communion and relationships with Him and the rest of creation. When we invest in each other it shows that God is supremely valuable and he partake in fellowship because of Him rather than business connections and social life. The way I see it as diverse as the western suburbs is we should be reaching out to the; gangsters, drug dealers, strippers, heroin addicts, alcoholics as well as the racists, spiritually young, spiritually misguided etc. It's a shame, I want us to do more evangelism but it seems like we're too focused on our comfortable christian cliques or hang outs. Am I expecting too much? Are my standards too high even if it is based in scripture? I guess the best I can do is pray pray pray, God's timing is perfect and I am forever assured that His will is done. I just hope that our community will be continued to move in acting out his will just like we have been for the past year. We have  improved so much and I thank God for that.

Prayer/response:
- collectively we will not be complacent with our welcoming/evangelism culture. we should do as much as God allows us to with discernment and prayer
- not become pharisaic in how much I do and what others do
- we would love each other in a way that could build each other up around christ rather than memes n banter

Romans 14

Romans 14

The Weak and the Strong 

Smoking and drinking are gifts from God if they are used appropriately. However for the sake of those who were born conservatively I should be wise to not act in a way that could possibly offend or stumble them. It is better to live on as good terms with everyone as possible in order so that we may focus on the mission (worshipping God and making Him known) at hand rather than disputing over trivial issues. 

Prayer/reflection:

- having confidence in Christ, of my salvation and the plan he has set for me

- love others over my convenience

- stop viewing loving as obligation but rather as privilege

Romans 13

Romans 13

Submission to Governing Authorities

I believe that I am to submit and have peace with the set authority as long as it doesn't compromise my religious beliefs. This is difficult for anyone especially with those in demanding environments, it's easy to respect and honour them in my actions but i'm thinking of all the vulgar language I wish I could say to their face. Jesus says however that I'm to love my adversaries, and pray for them. I don't always particularly safe or relaxed around Jayne. However I've seen fruit grow from her so I guess I have confidence that when this chapter states that those in authority where established by God, Jayne was established by God to be my leader! Idk how long long i'll be in this group but I hope that when I depart it will be on good terms, on Godly terms.

I think when this chapter says "clothe yourselves in Christ", I think the implication is the armour of God? or maybe to put ones identity in Christ above oneself????

Romans 12

It's official, my spiritual dry season has started. I don't want to be doing this rn since it's 2am but I feel distant with God and His bride so I reckon now is an even more important time to cling to scripture.

verse 1-2: I want to say that I'm proud of my improvements but I'm really not. I reckon I would've been more mature in my holiness by now but I'm not. i hate church culture and the fake vibe it brings but at the same time i have to adapt to this if i want to serve in Church. despite me not watching porn frequently anymore the images still linger on longer than I want them to. despite me praying since the January that I love others more I still can't grasp loving them. Life has taught me that being loving or nice to others makes me a pushover, I'd rather be prideful and lonely rather than that. So much comes down to pride. So in view of God's mercy in what Christ did for me, I should be allowing that to overshadow my protectiveness and insecurities. 

verse 10-16: i do not care for sean. i want nothing to do with josh. there's a million other things I'd rather do than attend lifegroup with the same shitty members as last year. My love for Christians is lacking and my bitterness is might be well founded but is not justified. I just wish that my pagan friends could come to Cheil so I wouldn't feel so alone. God, why do you allow the closest people i've been with in Cheil to end up leaving the faith? Why did you take away Elvis? Why did you take away Rebecca Kwon? Why did you take away Stephen Choi? Why did you take away Ming? Why do I have to put up with Jayne as my lg leader? Why did you make me experience the pain of losing loved ones? Why do I have to put up with Cheil half ass compliments "oh I'll pray for you", " i love you Conrad, i consider you my brother!". Why do I have to adapt my character to appeal to people's pussy ass emotions? These questions pop up so often, my victim mentality goes crazy! It's conflicting because I so desperately want to be intimate and close with my spiritual family but the reality of the past keeps holding me back. God, how can I possibly consider loving Jesus if I don't love His bride? Maybe this cross with Church is what I have to carry for the rest of my life. I don't want to accept it but I know I should. I know I need it. I know I should want it! 

Prayer/response:
- love God and His people
- that I should crave and willingly accept anything that God uses to make me depend on Him more especially in times of loneliness and doubt
- pray diligently especially when I don't want to.

Romans 11

Romans 11

I grew up thinking that it was never too late to accept Jesus as Lord and Saviour but verse 7 implies something quite the opposite. Those who willingly choose to reject/ignore God (in the literal sense), God will give them what they want. In this way God punishes them by allowing them to diligently indulge in their sin eventually leading to a hardened heart, some will never turn back.I think I remember Jae telling me that many of those who left the faith/church leadership often stopped reading their bible. I guess this reminds me the importance of continuous scripture reading and keeping one other accountable. 

Prayer/response:
- help me reaffirm my worry towards others. help me love them more
- mission team will carry on their reliance on you during and after the trip
- always read the scriptures more than I preach

Romans 10

Romans 10

The purpose of the law was to point our sin, reminding us of the reality of depravity and broken nature. Paul reasons that it's impossible for us to follow the law perfectly so there is no right standing with God unless His son wipes our record clean.

Verse 14 - this implies that we don't just imitate Jesus in our career, actions and lifesyle but that we also have to be vocal about him. Jesus kingdom isn't just about my personal reconciled relationship with the king but also with humanity. I think I'm not doing as good as I should be, I've been heavily distracted with studies this week so God willing I stay attached to the vine as I don't want anybody to worry for my spiritual intake. Sorry lord for my avoidance of responsibility and thank you for patience. I can't preach God and not keep myself in check.

Prayer/response
- bury my face in scripture
- love and pray for team and cape town
- keep Annie relying on you Lord

- help me accept love from others even if I might not initially recognise it as love

Romans 9

Romans 9
The first few verses has always come across to me as such a radical statement, it goes against our self interest.
Paul reminds his multicultural church (jewish and gentile) that the purpose of Abrahams covenant was always directed towards God's plan of reconciliation with His children. The true descendants of Abraham weren't dictated by lineage but rather saving grace through Jesus in which all cultures could be a part of.

Romans 8: 18-39

Romans 8: 18-31
The book of Romans was written in a time in which Christianity would soon be identified as a threat to Roman authority thus leading to persecution. This would have been heavily relevant to the Roman Church. Nothing new is learnt but Verse 36 is such a honest statement. I am left as a man to be condemned, ostricised and slaughtered by the world and yet I can say with confidence that God has never done me wrong. I am a soldier with assured victory beyond human comprehension.  In my weak and deprived state I often cave into the conformaty around me but God is gracious and has given me brothers and sisters to encourage me. Therefore we all as sheep can walk into the slaughterhouse together with the anticipation of God's glory to come.

Prayer/repentance
- put my identity in Christ above all else
- love and pray for cape town team and masi
- masi fire funds to be used wisely
- God to use me to the salt and light in Jordan and Dennis life. That they my know Him!
- Annie mental health. Please keep her reliant on you

Romans 8: 1-17

Romans 8: 1-17

I'm fighting a decade old addiction with lust and i'm determined to anahilate it  this year through the power of grace and not legalism. Very often I compare those sinners I love agaisn't Christians, how much more at ease and accepted I am. I want to be a better Christian in my mind, not picking and choosing what I have to be grateful for. Verse 13 implies that when I consider the appeal of women or belonging as something that is hateful I may ignore and more easily handle the temptations that is to come. I don't want to be the type of father who's child walks in on me watching porn, and neither do I want to be held back by my sin indulging past/crowd. I should be the best spiritual leader God can allow me to be not just for the sake of others but also myself.

Prayer/reflection:

- love and pray for Vicky that she may be the best representation of you that she can be to her family

- put to death my lustful and ungrateful thoughts

- pray persistently that Cape Town may be loved by not just our Vision team but also our Church

- verse 17 to live as Jesus did serving others, giving up ones own rights, resisting pressures to conform to the world etc

Romans 7

Romans 7
It's difficult sometimes to remember that God is essentially outlining/restricting us from actions/attitudes that will ultimately harm us. The law made the Israelites realize that they are sinners. Now while it may be essential it offers no help for a right standing with Jesus.
Verse 21 hits me - although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

Romans 6

Romans 6

It occasionally crosses my mind why I don't sin more often if I have saving grace. God loves to forgive so shouldn't I just be complacent with my self indulgent living? I guess my answer to that is that I will never truly understand the depth of grace if I don't understand the seriousness of my sin, and the ironic thing is that I never will. Jesus death shows me the incomprehensible seriousness and offence of sin. I reckon the most I can do is just acknowledge and accept it, gratefully. I'm a christian not because I cannot sin but rather I am no longer a slave to sin. I belong to God.

Prayer/response:

- that Patrick would continue in his pursuit of you. 

- put myself in check with scripture. Not become legalistic and fight sin through grace

-

Romans 5

Romans 5.

I can boast in God. I'm broken and unnaccetable without Jesus. I hope that I'm reassured in God's promises so that whenever I go through a hard time I'll reflect back onto the Prophet Elijah referring to 1 Kings 19. He was someone who I could call extremely vulnerable despite having such authority. He complained and vented to God about his fear and loneliness but God replied that He has left 7000 in Israel who have not forsaken Him. Let this be a reminder that God has children who suffer just as much as me if not worse, I'm not special and shouldn't victimize myself. I should look to God as my source of replenishment rather than looking inwards, He is greater than my insecurities and so I should allow Him to build up my character to His content.

Prayer/response:
- love Sean and pray for him diligently
- love Celine and pray that she can use her new study Bible wisely.
- I overcome lust through grace and not shame/legalism
- accept the labours you've given me
- Thankyou that my salvation is out of my power
- love for Mission team and Cape Town

Romans 4

Romans 4

The Jews had confidence that they were righteous due their Abrahamic lineage, however what Paul states that Abraham was considered a good man because of his faith in God not in actions. There were multiple occasions where Abraham did downright wrong things but in the end it was his persistent relationship with God that made him righteous before Him.

I succumbed into lust 30 minutes ago knowing that I'd be reading scripture straight after. It almost seemed as if I was using "grace" as an excuse to just get on with it. I hope and pray that I'd be motivated by the power of grace to cut this out of my life, it's crippling. For the most part at least, I know I am righteous before God even though I don't feel like I am at some moments of doubt, guilt and shame .

Prayer/repentance:
- cut my lust full indulgences asap, be motivated by the power of grace rather than legalism
- be more considerate of the women I am around in my thoughts
- Thankyou that I am redeemed by standards that is impossible for me to upkeep

Romans 3

Romans 3

Chapters like these is one of the main that moved my understanding of God from myself to Him. Ecclesiastes hit me hard telling me that everything and everyone is worthless, and this chapter just throws salt on the wound. I must not allow this to turn into self hatred as it took me awhile to get out of that mindset, it was crippling. Sometimes it's still there but I can at least reflect on the saving grace that overshadows my depravity.

I wonder how significant this would have been when it was written. The amount of conviction one feels when they realize that they're social position or achievements ain't worth crap.