Romans 12

It's official, my spiritual dry season has started. I don't want to be doing this rn since it's 2am but I feel distant with God and His bride so I reckon now is an even more important time to cling to scripture.

verse 1-2: I want to say that I'm proud of my improvements but I'm really not. I reckon I would've been more mature in my holiness by now but I'm not. i hate church culture and the fake vibe it brings but at the same time i have to adapt to this if i want to serve in Church. despite me not watching porn frequently anymore the images still linger on longer than I want them to. despite me praying since the January that I love others more I still can't grasp loving them. Life has taught me that being loving or nice to others makes me a pushover, I'd rather be prideful and lonely rather than that. So much comes down to pride. So in view of God's mercy in what Christ did for me, I should be allowing that to overshadow my protectiveness and insecurities. 

verse 10-16: i do not care for sean. i want nothing to do with josh. there's a million other things I'd rather do than attend lifegroup with the same shitty members as last year. My love for Christians is lacking and my bitterness is might be well founded but is not justified. I just wish that my pagan friends could come to Cheil so I wouldn't feel so alone. God, why do you allow the closest people i've been with in Cheil to end up leaving the faith? Why did you take away Elvis? Why did you take away Rebecca Kwon? Why did you take away Stephen Choi? Why did you take away Ming? Why do I have to put up with Jayne as my lg leader? Why did you make me experience the pain of losing loved ones? Why do I have to put up with Cheil half ass compliments "oh I'll pray for you", " i love you Conrad, i consider you my brother!". Why do I have to adapt my character to appeal to people's pussy ass emotions? These questions pop up so often, my victim mentality goes crazy! It's conflicting because I so desperately want to be intimate and close with my spiritual family but the reality of the past keeps holding me back. God, how can I possibly consider loving Jesus if I don't love His bride? Maybe this cross with Church is what I have to carry for the rest of my life. I don't want to accept it but I know I should. I know I need it. I know I should want it! 

Prayer/response:
- love God and His people
- that I should crave and willingly accept anything that God uses to make me depend on Him more especially in times of loneliness and doubt
- pray diligently especially when I don't want to.