How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 7

Matthew 11: 28-30

My childhood is very bland so I guess you could say I was depressed before I knew what depressed was. I hated my father for what he did to me as I grew up so deprived and jealous of others. To this day I don't talk to any of my childhood friends as my father made sure I wouldn't go down the same path as they. He seemed to do everything he could to stop me from having friends or enjoying a simple show like Power Rangers and he used Jesus as an excuse. He turned a God of grace into a God of works, he stripped me of so much so I ran away to pursue the idols of films, belonging recreational drugs, the worst of them all were women. If I was a secular person and you asked my why I'm not joyful, I would downright reply it was all my fathers fault. Many things could've been prevented if he died of a stroke like I prayed he would have. But I know Jesus, I know I'm depraved and I know my failure to exalt God is totally and justly because of my willingness to rebel. It's my fault. I don't want to wait till I see Jesus face to face to move on. I don't want my past to form my identity. Acceptance and healing can start now. Unlike my father, unlike "Christians", unlike myself, God has never done me wrong. He is the greatest one to places worth it. I hope and pray that I can run to God with complete and utter repentance and thankfulness. Jesus is greater than my depravity, greater than my father, greater than my loss. There's no justified reason that I'm not joyful, and yet I'm still not. My victim mentality needs to stop, I need to stop thinking about me. King Jesus is the prize. I'm self conscious that I lacking the friends and social security I used to have but I hope eventually I'll be thankful the way God placed me in His kingdom. I really want to accept wholeheartedly God's placement of me, my purpose in his kingdom.

Let me run to you Lord and not myself for your undeserving and broken servant is tired. Glory to you and to you alone.

Prayer/reflection:

- stop letting my past hold me back

- love my father even though he seems to be the source of great suffering

- continue in the fight to put God as my greatest treasure

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 6

Psalm 51

Restore to me the joy of my salvation. I hope that I can be truly joyful of Jesus so my pursuit of others can be genuine rather than obligations. I reminded of David again when he writes his Psalms, he was intelligent enough to acknowledge his inner turmoil and weakness but acknowledging God as his King. I'm reminded that even the most noble of people can fall short, David and Bathsheba is a perfect example that no one follows God whole heartedly without fail. My idol is belonging and I'm no different. I reckon my suffering so far is the same as before, loneliness. What definitely has changed since earlier this year is that I find myself that much more determined to rely on God rather than the validation of others. I'm increasingly wanting to walk with God on my own two feet rather than someone having to hold my hand. Jesus, please cleanse me from within, align my ambition with your interests.

Prayer/response:

- Love God and to continue loving Him

- Lg leaders that they may persevere in knowing you individually and collectively

- Please keep Vicky in your eyes lord. Do not forsake her, break her if need be

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 5

Ephesians 4:26

God doesn't state that we should put aside anger since it's a quality that can moves us to make great changes, He does however command that we should handle it properly. I'm not the worst person I know regarding anger issues but I do have a history of being careless with it. It was quite costly to make up for. I think above anger, my biggest sin is bitterness. I may forgive but I'm not forgetful in the least and I'm working on it. Something that does drive me to evangelise is my frustration of the lack of action I see around me. I see many christians who just hang around their christian friends and their christian cliques laughing at their terrible christian humour going to their christian events being content with their comfortable christian lifestyle. While I believe evangelism is good (and certainly commanded in one form or another) I think my motivation can be crippling. There are people from last years mission team who I'm bitter towards rn because they haven't reached out to some of those weaker in the faith in Cheil. We read 3 books before leaving for Cape Town explicitly reminding us of the reality of hell so why is such little effort put in? I'm bitter. I should stop being bitter but my conscious states that it is justified. This is not helpful. God help me.

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 4

Psalm 5: 1-3

I like how David cries out to God not in a victimising mentality but rather acknowledging both his circumstances as well as his Lord. David wasn't just recognising that God is valuable above all but has the astounding faith that God would deliver him. If I'm to remember God's faithfulness to David despite the astounding odds that were agains't him, why can't He help me overcome mine? I have Christ with me so that's a bonus. Reckon I should make more attempts in have lengthy prayers in the morning rather than my standard 2 minute ones. I'm free from most stress in the mornings so yea, should probs start that lol.

Prayer/response:
- pray for 5-10 minutes in the morning
- Keep Cape Town persistently in my prayers as well as the team

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 3

Psalm 19:4 - May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

I reckon this is applicable to to a more personal Christianity that people won't see, my thoughts and emotions. My dumbass paranoia is always questioning others intentions or judging their character. Lustful thoughts linger randomly. Above all else I'm reminiscing on unhelpful things that seem to stunt my faith in not just God but in others. Something I'm tying to do is to instead of just blatantly trying to ignore it as if it doesn't exist (which never works) Imma attempt to reflect on Jesus and his accomplishments in my life. Since I know He is greater than my shortcomings I think it would make sense that this way of thinking would help out if done correctly. Just like how I must compromise/cut out my sinfulness, I must also stop lingering in the painful past. These sacrifices can be costly but absolutely necessary.

Galatians 2:20 - I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Prayer/response:
- Lord, you do whatever needs to be done to make me reliant on you
- Throw away my victimhood and accept my God given responsibility to glorify you and make Him known
- Those in Cape Town will know you more deeply as well as our Vision Team.
- Thank you that you're greater than my depravity

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger Day 2

James 1:2-3

We're given all the more encouragement in suffering. Since becoming a Christian my outlook on suffering has changed. I'm much less blaming or questioning God "Why me, i don't deserve this" etc but much rather "how can I best glorify you in this situation." I guess a sin that holds be back greatly is what I vented on yesterday. 

Psalm 16:4
Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more. I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods or take up their names on my lips.

If I chose not to abandon those I loved and stayed in the sin of belonging, I would probably still be considered lost to God. It was costly, but I know it was the right thing to do. It's 1:50am, i'm struggling to stay awake but I'm hoping and praying that my packed schedule is training me for future occasions in which I struggle to read scripture. I guess this can be a clear cut example of diligence producing perseverance. 

Prayer/Response:
- Love God and make Him known
- Read my Bible earlier
- That Jasmine Park can keep a diligent relationship with you in Korea. Please continue making yourself known to her!

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger - Day One

How to Move Through Suffering and Come Back Stronger - Day One

Aight....so I started this plan because I deadset missing the social intimacy and assurance I had before the cut off. I don't feel support from fellow Christians and Church can't help but seem as hard labour with no benefit. This is all a lie of course, people are praying for me regardless whether I believe it or not and Satan just loves to do my head in. This might be why I'm so vulnerable to lust for these past several days??? I don't want to be lingering on this anymore cause it's already been over a year. To those I left behind and pray for; Bonnie, Stephen. Solomon, Tahmid, Wendy, Winnie, Kevin, John, Suemin, Jenny, Samuel, Jeremy, Jackson, Roland, Leann, Irvin, Derek.. Please I beg that you would all see a New Jerusalem with me someday 

ANYWAYS

Romans 8: 17

Paul writes that convenience and relief is never promised but rather struggles, it is actually REQUIRED in the faith. However I can have reassurance in this knowing that my troubles have purpose behind them whether they're brought on by myself or out of my control. My hope and prayer is to die to myself like Paul did, stop my self pity, my victimhood mentality, stop my cravings of human approval or intimacy. Set my gaze only on Jesus so that when I do suffer I look for the right medicine.

Prayer/response:

- Be a good steward and study so I can go Cape Town next year

- Love my dad especially in times when I don't want to

- Pray persistently for Celine that she may continue in her pursuit of you

- Thank you for being patient with me Lord but I beg of you, please be more patient for my friends. Let them know you!